Escape from Collinwood

EPISODES 692-700

The terror of the previous night is over, and breaking down of the social hierarchy fueled by Liz and Mrs Johnson's holding hands in their darkest hour seems to be forgotten. As if my recent desire to see more of Liz and Julia together is heard by Powers That Be in a bizarre, time-crossing Game of Thronesesque fashion ("Hold the door!"), the episode starts with the two of them discussing the previous night's aforementioned terror inducing events, oh such as children's frantic behavior, the ominous music and bicurious tendencies of women over 50. Liz has no doubt that there is a ghost that goes around possessing the children, but Julia corrects her by explaining there are actually two ghosts. Liz wonders why she hasn't been informed about this before and Julia, clearly amused, asks whether she would have believed them if they've told her. The woman died and came back to life dammit; her threshold of belief-in-supernatural must be quite flexible by now! Cue Professor Stokes, complaining about the burdens of being a scholar in a subtle (albeit a bit irrelevant) attempt at building an off screen backstory. Being a weather forecaster for the undead, he pics up the change in the atmosphere of the house and claims the evil presence is all around them. He kinda wanders on the grey area when he suggests to keep the children in the house for now so the rest of them can know when/if the ghosts decide to leave, like some sort of a voltage tester.

The Attack of The Floaty Hand

They are unaware of Quentin's invisible presence lurking around and listening in, and when Liz is left alone in the drawing room going about the business (as a head of family does regardless of the situation) she is almost attacked by the letter opener held by Quentin's floaty disembodied hand, if it weren't for Professor Stokes yelling "Watch out!" that makes him disappear and drop the thing. They find the secret panel that leads to the west wing open, and Professor Stokes masterfully connects the dots that this must be where the children disappear into. He claims that they are all in grave danger, yet instead of running away without looking behind they keep hanging around. For now that is.

Before there was Angel the brooding vampire, there was Chris the brooding werewolf; brooding in the cottage to live up to his broody reputation. When Ned calls and urges/threatens him to see his sister Sabrina, Chris asks Julia for help. We are shown a huge picture of Sabrina a couple of times as if to prepare us for the shock to come; she seems cute. Understandably dreading to meet her two years after changing into a werewolf in front of her, Chris is encouraged by Julia to go down to the town and be done with it. To Ned's surprise, and ours too, Julia accompanies Chris to Ned's room in the Collinsport Inn; maybe she's just curious to learn what the heck the big deal is with that Sabrina woman. Ned isn't happy with her presence there but goes into the other room to bring Sabrina anyway. And by bring I do mean bring, totally, on a wheelchair and everything, as if you're bringing your 90 year old doddered grandma, whom Sabrina actually looks like. Yes, the build up is fruitful: Sabrina looks pale as marble, white haired, weird, almost a lifeless corpse. A right-minded person would be polite enough to greet her like they would any regular individual, and this is exactly what Chris and Julia do NOT!

Sabrina faking catatonia to evade
her yacking brother

They don't hide their shock and go full-blown gasp to Sabrina's face. She's been in a state of shock for the last two years and lucky for Chris hasn't said a word, but Ned is certain that seeing Chris would snap her out of it. And it does. She points her hand to her ex fiancee, slowly gets out of the wheelchairs and starts walking towards him... Then collapses to the floor! Are we expected be sad as if for an elderly person, or relieved that Chris' off the hook for now, I don't know.

Later, Julia and Chris arrive at Collinwood. The latter is clearly shaken with guilt, and when Julia tries to calm him down by explaining that Sabrina's situation hasn't changed and she's still a catatonic mummy (okay, maybe not in so many words), Chris states that he doesn't care about being exposed and only feels sorry for Sabrina's wasted youth, once again winning over our delicate hearts with his honorable personality and athletic arms. When he storms out like a 13 year old adolescent (nobody's perfect), Julia runs into Professor Stokes and this amazing exchange occurs:

Stokes: What's wrong with Jennings?
Julia: Oh, he's... having problems.
Professor Stokes: That tells me precisely nothing, (smiling) which I'm sure is what you intended.

I haven't thought about it til now but Stokes and Julia would make an excellent couple. Let's admit it, Barnabas likes their women perky and slightly less hysteric. He will never look at Julia that way, so she might as well jump on the Stokes wagon and get some while she can. As if to add fuel to the fire, Stokes goes:

Stokes: I'm going to exorcise the ghosts from this house tonight. And you are going to help me.

So direct, so dominant. You can cut the sexual tension with a letter opener. While discussing how scientific methods can no longer help them, Stokes catches David red handed eavesdropping behind the secret panel. Assuming he is possessed, Stokes draws some on-point analogies between spirit possessions and pen-ownership that ends with pen getting snapped in half by him (Julia is hyperventilating in the background). David tries too hard to lie he eventually gives himself away when Stokes fools him with the old school "Look! The ghost's behind you" trick. David breaks and begins to cry (another great performance by David Henesy), Tough-Love-Stokes gives him the truth straight: If David keeps allowing the ghost to possess him, soon there will be nothing left of him.

Meanwhile outside on the terrace where the silver light of the moon licks the leaves and the soothing sound of water fountain caresses ones' soul/bladder, Chris breaks up with Carolyn on the basis of he's a coward leaving town, and Carolyn clearly gets sad but tries not to show it. What a waste of a beautiful set decoration, really. After Carolyn leaves, Julia tries to stop Chris from leaving by finally telling him about his sister's situation with the ghosts, and succeeds.

Collinwood is a kink positive space

Inside the house, Stokes approaches a crying Carolyn with the tenderness of a Neanderthal (he might as well have poked her with a stick) and asks her to assist him and Julia with the exorcism. When they get David in the drawing room, Quentin's theme starts to play signalling the ghost is fully aware of what is going on and wants to provide background score. Lights go out, thunder and lightning follow each other; Julia, Carolyn and David are understandably terrified as Stokes goes outside and begins the exorcism by holding up a Y shaped tree branch towards the house and shouting out some incantations that aren't even in Latin. As the music, Stokes' words, forces of nature and the tension in drawing room intensifies, David passes out. When you are in company of scientific people and Carolyn is the one to point to the fact that David could be in danger, you gotta believe there is something wrong with the world. Luckily, the lights come back on and David eventually wakes up BUT before that something really curious happens. Inside, Julia gives out the most realistic post-orgasm sigh of relief I've ever seen, meanwhile outside Stokes brings down his staff looking sullen. This exorcism is and has always been a cover for sex! Followed by both of the parties coming together in the foyer, asking each other how it went while panting. Not so subtle! I can see the appeal of the series among the housewives now.

Once he awakens, David seems to be okay and therefore everybody thinks the house is free of ghosts. Since the exorcism drained all his energy (cough),  Stokes is given a room to stay overnight. In his room, Stokes paces up and down deep in thought; he feels weak, his head hurts, he isn't what he used to be anymore. But the real downer hits him when he looks up in the mirror and sees Quentin laughing at him. Then out of nowhere, the curtains spontaneously combust.

Not the fairest of them all

The exorcism was clearly a fiasco, among other things. Stokes runs to the door but it is locked. Being a man of rationale, he keeps his calm and breaks the mirror with a candlestick (Ezra Braithwaite turns over in his grave), which sends Quentin away and stops the fire. The drapes appear to be unburnt but the huge crack on the mirror can be a little hard to explain next morning. As if on cue, Roger appears at the door and starts barking about the "laughing" "the crash" "the mirror" and when Professor Stokes starts to explain how the exorcism was a failure, he cuts him off and tells him he isn't allowed to leave the room if he is to keep talking about supernatural mambo jambo. What the actual f*#k? Has Roger just grounded Professor Stokes?

Downstairs, Liz and David are bonding and opening up to each other now that they think they are free of the ghosts. It doesn't last long, and Quentin's music once again echoes all over the house. Liz rushes out of the room telling David to follow him but before he can, the doors of the drawing room close, trapping the poor boy inside (Liz would die before she'd admit she got so scared that she left David behind). Quentin appears to David looking pissed off as ever and steals his voice, rendering him unable to call for help. In Stokes' room, Liz joins the two men who are still bickering about the existence of the supernatural. Even the music playing on full volume isn't enough convince Roger, he dismisses it as some sort of a trick by the kids. It is only then that Liz notices David's absence, and they run back downstairs calling out his name. Quentin hears them too and panics (he actually panics), and David uses this opportunity as a window to escape from the house.

My Two Dads

Running after his son, Roger finds him at the Old House in Barnabas' company. Roger, skeptic and worthy of worms crawling up his sinuses as always, insists that the boy come back to Collinwood with him, blaming Barnabas and Stokes for David's erratic behavior (Surely years of neglect by his father has nothing to do with it). Barnabas somehow convinces Roger to let David stay over for the night. At this point in the show, those two actually look like a married couple arguing over how to raise a child. When Daddy #1 leaves (although Roger is more like a #2 in every sense of the word), David begins to tell Barnabas about how everything started but is interrupted by Quentin devilishly appearing outside the house. Panicking, David changes his story and runs upstairs before Barnabas can learn more.

Oh, the drama

Back in Collinwood, siblings Liz and Roger plus Professor Stokes are arguing about what to do. Stokes tells them to abandon the house (fi-nal-ly) and Liz agrees. Roger of course, being the mega queen, has to object, and calls them melodramatic. Refusing to see the actual horror show happening right in front of him, he decides to stay behind. I mean even if there weren't any paranormal activity going on, it would be stupid to stay in this giant castle of a house all alone. When Liz doesn't insist and leaves him alone to gather the more important residents of the house, Roger has an instant sensation that someone is watching him. He walks around the drawing room like a scared cat, trying to find the source of the sensation but the sensation finds him. The doors close shut and Quentin is standing there right behind him. Roger lets out a very audible gasp and bites his fist rather melodramatically. All packed and ready to go, Liz and Stokes find Roger in a state of shock (but not in a Sabrina-level shock, his hair is still the same color as his dye job). He apologizes to them and follows them out of the house head down, tail between legs, pride already non-existent. Before they go, Liz stops to turn out the lights and we can't blame her; do you have any idea how much it costs to light up a mansion that big? When they are gone, Quentin's music fills up the house again and we see each room now empty, abandoned and tastelessly decorated. Standing on top of the stairs, Quentin laughs and laughs for Collinwood belongs to him now. It is creepy and I love it.
(I hope they remembered to tell Mrs Johnson that they're leaving, although it would be hilarious to see Mrs Johnson sleeping in her bed without a care in the world during the montage of empty rooms. And a bit awkward to explain later)

I'd watch a private eye spin-off
with these three

The next morning as Collinwood stands there haunted and deserted, it's a completely different story in the The Old House. The whole family apparently have moved in there and Barnabas doesn't seem to be annoyed by it. Yet. But since they haven't put much effort into running away, Quentin finds them rather quickly. Arriving at the door, Chris tells Barnabas that he's seen a weird looking man weirdly looking at the Old House. Hearing this, Maggie finally comes forth with the information that she actually knows the name of their ghost (from David's unconscious mumblings), conveniently after letting Barnabas and Julia spend days and days going through the family records to find a clue. Maybe she is unconsciously making the duo pay for all they've done to her during Barnabas' one-of-the-living-dead days. Barnabas recognizes the name from his vast and obsessive knowledge of the family, and then and there, three of them find his photograph in the family album. We find out that Quentin was born in 1870 and the last that's known of him is that he went to Europe and never came back. That sounds suspiciously familiar, doesn't it?

The pre-iPhone, iPhone generation

Meanwhile, apparently addicted to the rush of danger David and Amy do the stupidest thing ever and decide to go back to Collinwood to retrieve the old telephone that they first used to talk to Quentin, so that they can say their final goodbyes or something equally dumb. Amy volunteers to go up and get it from Maggie's room, believing Beth would protect her. As if! But whether it's Beth's bodyguarding or Quentin taking a nap, Amy comes back unpossessed but without the phone. Quentin tries to lock the kids in by banging the front doors shut rather dramatically (or maybe it's just the wind?) but Maggie the super governess comes right on time and saves the kids. From the draught, probably. That night the infamous telephone appears in David's room at the Old House, along with Quentin's accompanying theme song. Kids once again fall under the sinister ghost's spell *sigh* and when Maggie comes to check on them, she finds the kids gone but dun dun duuun... the phone is there! Here, the show does not miss out the opportunity to use the horror trope where the adults always, always leave the kids alone in their rooms at night and close the door on them while, oh let's just say, an evil being wants to eat them!!! Ah heck, maybe the show created the trope in the first place!

Barnabas takes Willie to Collinwood to search for the brats where they get real close to discover Quentin's secret room but as it is with soap operas where a full handshake takes 3 episodes from inception to completion, they fail to do so. Meanwhile we find out the kids have not disappeared together: Amy is also looking for David in the mansion where she runs into Quentin (or runs through? since he's a ghost and all) who tells her in his non verbal telepathic possession ways to go fetch Maggie. Why do they always go after the governess? Let's hope both Vicki and Maggie have been paid enough to afford therapy post Collinsport. Maggie is indeed lured into the mansion where she is attacked by Quentin.

Maggie's loss of identity is
a recurring theme

When Barnabas later finds her, she is dressed in 19th century clothes (complete with a period hairdo) and does not recognize him (or herself for that matter) and does what a stereotypical 19th century woman does when in distress: She passes out. When she comes to, she's our sweet and savory Maggie again, completely shocked by the questionable fashion choices that's been forced onto her yet not remembering a single thing (just like me on an ordinary Saturday morning). On a serious note, isn't it rather disturbing that Quentin went ahead, undressed and redressed her? Ever since he's showed up, he's done nothing but violate the characters that are innocent and unsuspecting (plus he picked that hairdo). As Barnabas escorts Maggie out of the house, Roger arrives in search of his son, only to be mocked by Quentin's theme song and a darkly predatory note that says "David is mine". I can see how the children who'd watched the show during it's first broadcast had nightmares. Instead of searching the mansion inch by inch to find his son, Roger's reaction to this is to sip a comforting cup of tea back at the Old House (on his defense, he's never been the father of the year, really). I might be exaggerating a bit, he does pay Professor Stokes an off-screen and fruitless visit to discuss the children's behavior in relation to the full moon (too bad Susan Miller wasn't a thing back then). Upon his return to the Old House, he runs into Maggie who calls Roger "Edward" to our and his astonishment; honestly I thought it was a real flub and was happy to find out it wasn't. Turns out, Edward Collins is Roger's grandfather and Quentin was his brother. The Collins family does know how to raise 'em sociopaths!

Sabrina - two years apart

Back at the soapy plot of Chris-Sabrina-Ned, while Chris is full moon bound in the secret room of the mausoleum, Barnabas pays the intrusive Ned Stuart a visit at his hotel room and meets the white haired and blue eye-shadowed Sabrina who gets disturbed by the sight of his wolf headed cane. Being obnoxious, Ned nearly shoves it down the poor woman's throat as to get a reaction but all she can do it moan and moan, probably for being unable to stand up and give her brother a good smacking. Cut to a flashback, where we see the origin of Sabrina's shock as she witnesses Chris turn into a werewolf despite the latter's warnings. She seems nice enough, though comes off as needy and a little passive aggressive. The recollection of her life's trauma sends her into... well, another trauma. Julia the resident M.D. arrives (hilariously) to check her pulse and blood pressure all the while throwing all sorts of shade at Ned. We are reminded that Julia does own a hospital and is a serious doctor, though how she finds time to manage it while Scooby Dooing in Collinsport beats me. Following Julia and Barnabas' departure, Sabrina sees herself in the mirror for the first time and throws another fit. And we can't blame her, that blue eye shadow is just wrong for her complexion. At dawn, Barnabas and Julia check on Chris at the mausoleum but what it that? Chris is still a werewolf? During the day? Oh my... The duo quickly lock him back in the secret room and Julia doesn't waste anytime to throw suggestions that they should kill him so she won't be blamed for harboring a werewolf. Jeez Julia, take a chill pill. Barnabas notices this and points out she wasn't this impatient when it was his turn to be the monster of the week, practically teasing her for being in lurve with him. Since Barnabas knows what it is like to be on the creature feature side, he defends Chris and does not let Julia put him down like a dog then and there. They leave Chris in the secret room while they think of what to do next, hopefully not forgetting to put a bowl of water for the guy.

Just a case of a demonic possession

Back at the Collins' estate, where drama (supernatural or otherwise) never takes a break, Maggie has a dream where she shares smooches with Quentin and wakes up remembering where she's been taken by Quentin for her recent make-over: The secret room in the West Wing! She takes Barnabas there, he finally breaks the panels and the two enter Quentin's room, all that is to search for the still missing David. They are not the only ones there though, for Professor Stokes too joins the party to inform them that Quentin Collins had died in that room. How does he know it? He is a professor of the supernatural, that is how of course (he actually uses his logic that the room had been sealed, with Quentin's spirit in it). He also claims it may be too late to save David (wait... so he's dead?) which doesn't evoke an emotional response from neither party. However, he does find the other rascal, Amy, hiding behind the curtain and once again under Quentin's possession, which has become such a mundane thing by now that none of them really give a flying phoenix: They just take Amy back to the Old House as if she's merely caught a cold. In one of the drawers, Professor Stokes discovers a plot device in the shape of some I Ching wands and a journal on how to use them. They deduce the key to put an end to Quentin's terror lies in them.

Barnabas can't escape his fate
even on the astral plane

Later, Maggie is led by a sinister looking Amy back to Collinwood and just as promised, she finds David on top of the stairs. She urges the boy to be brave and come to her, which he does. They hug it out and not run out of the house like there's no tomorrow??? Maggie urges David to face Quentin's influence and expel him to prevent future possessions, which I must agree is a very mature and rather mythical thing to do, along with stupid, and just as David does that and seemingly succeeds, he falls into a coma. Well done, Mags! Back at the Old House, Julia dramatically informs them that David may die (of mystical possession?) unless something is done soon. How she comes to that scientific conclusion, I don't know. Instead of taking David to the aforementioned Windcliff hospital, they resort to the ancient Chinese practice of I Ching (as one does). Barnabas tosses the wands into the 49th formation, which Stokes announces as the The Hexagram of Change, which sends Julia ringing the bells of danger, which Barnabas ignores as usual. I don't really understand the plan here (maybe to talk to Quentin's ghost on an astral plane?) but Barnabas' visualization of a door with the I Ching wands instructed by Stokes opens into an astral room with the coffin he's been sealed in for centuries lies on the other side! Oh no.

All that talk of change and references to his vampirism was bound to be fruitful at one point. What can I say, vampire Barnabas is the best Barnabas!

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This entry was started in 2016 and finished in 2019, for the sake of completion.